I woke up
to 2017 with a firm mind and made so many promises to myself. Come 2018, I went
into hibernation (a really long one), and I have no one to blame but myself. However,
unlike the hibernating creatures, I was nowhere near saving my energy, rather I
spent it all to fight the forces around me; deep, dark, negative forces, which were
slowly but surely draining life out of me. Year 2018 began on positive notes
and I had it all under my control (or at least I thought so). Little did I know
that I was under the most dangerous illusion of universe, the illusion of
control.
As the
year unfolded, it led to circumstances that made me question my very identity. At
the beginning, I resisted emotions and tried to bring change. How naïve I was!
The harder I tried, the more helpless I felt as life forced me to stand, watch
and push its lessons through my head. I saw people change colors faster than a
chameleon. I lost a very dear person to a nasty accident. I watched families
crumble right before my eyes. I saw fake people being loved for their pretense
while I got judged for being real.
I tried so
hard to battle my own demons, but all I could do was stand there and watch my
sanity burned to the ground. I lost myself in the myriad of false faces and
fake feelings. Tangled in web of emotions, I became a slave of my thoughts. My
mind and heart were no more in synchronization, and doubts clouded my judgment.
The once enthusiastic, exuberant girl became the worst version of herself. I
ended up having ugly rows with people who truly loved me for those who I
thought loved me.
Amidst all
the commotion, one thing became crystal clear to me. People took me for
granted, the very thing I loathed the most. People dared to insult me on my
face because they knew I wasn’t going anywhere. People assaulted my dignity
because they thought I didn’t have any. People spoke to me at their will and at
times completely ignored me like I didn’t exist at all. Some people even looked
at me like I was the shallowest being God ever created, and that hurt like
hell.
My senses
failed miserably to differentiate between right and wrong, and that’s exactly
the irony which brought me back to my senses. Isn’t it amazing how irony helps
you to experience the true meaning of life? You need sorrow to feel joy. You
need chaos to bring order.
After a
year of being subjected to the irony of tolerating mockery, disrespect and
insults, one fine day I realized that my patience has reached its threshold.
And how could it not? Even the nicest people’s patience has limit. That’s when I
knew that though I had fallen, it was now time to rebound.
Picture Courtesy: Google
Images
But, it’s easier said than done, and fortunately, I at least
knew where to seek help. Without further delay, I reached out for my two best
friends – pen and paper. And there they were, sitting patiently to listen to me
while I furiously penned down my pain, and after one long hour, I finally found
a trace of peace after a long, long time.
So here I am, not completely at peace, but still joining my
pieces. I am listening to music (lots and lots of it), watching Netflix,
enjoying movies and connecting with people filled with wisdom. Yes, I am
recovering.
While I am pouring my heart out to you all, my earphones are
comfortably plugged in and the beats of Inna’s Ruleta is pulsating throughout
my body, and all I can think of is how I can realign myself to my previous form.
How to become a phoenix and rise from the ashes? I know it’s going to be tough
but not impossible.
I need to remind myself that I was born a girl, the gender
that has always been underestimated and overlooked. But, I promise myself to be
the girl that no one saw coming. I need to remind myself that I am a survivor,
a warrior, and not a quitter. People can ignore me to their heart’s content,
but they can never shake me off. I am going to speak and ink up all my pain,
and if you are one of those who have dared to wrong me, then better brace
yourself.
It is time for me to rise, rebound and restructure myself. I
am done reaching out to people who won’t welcome me with extended arms.
Picture
Courtesy: Google Images
My next post will be up soon, and I
don’t know who is willing to wait for it and who isn’t. But to all of you who
are willing to give your precious time, I can only say that I will be back with
wiser words painted with experience of my life, with hope in my heart that in
this journey called life, my experience can help you in the best possible way.
Till then, fare thee well friends!
